In the slightly rearranged words of Kermit the Frog, it’s not easy, green bean.
At least, it’s not easy when you suddenly come in for a lot of green beans, as I just have. And let me tell you, this mob has that menacing look that certain vegetables acquire when gathered in great numbers, daring you not to waste a single pod.
In physics terms, dealing with said mass of beans is a space-time problem – I could freeze them if I had space or pickle them if I had time. Meanwhile, I am tackling them with that which I know best: heat and potatoes.
The story of Jack and the Beanstalk goes something like this:
Jack swaps a cow for some magic beans. Jack plants beans. Enormous beanstalk develops that stretches all the way to the clouds. Jack climbs the beanstalk (several times, in fact) and does a spot of breaking-and-entering at the home of a local giant (identifiable as such by both general size and the fact that he says fee-fi-fo-fum a lot). Jack gets himself into much trouble as a result. In the end, the beanstalk gets it.
Now, my theory is that Jack wasn’t so much in possession of magic beans but, rather, had applied too much manure to his vegetable patch. I base this on the fact that my garden is now home to several rather enthusiastic beanstalks which, I suspect, would extend all the way to the clouds if only I could find bamboo poles tall enough to support them. Instead, my french bean plants have chosen to wrap themselves around each other, weaving quite a tangled web in the process (which is probably just as well, because I would rather they didn’t head skyward and become a point of entry for visiting giants).
On the edge of the french bean tangle
Before I get started, I should say that the following is really only going to be of interest to the Spud readership in Ireland. Just sayin’, so don’t say I didn’t tell you so. I’m newly arrived back in the ol’ sod and thought, after all that gallivanting, that the locals should get a bit of my attention.
[Watches as the foreign readers remain undecided as to whether to stay and gradually start shuffling away]
The other thing to note is that this will mainly be of interest to those who fancy putting on the gardening gloves and growing their own french beans.
[More hesitation as possessors of non-green-coloured-fingers hover same over their back buttons]
It may also be of some interest if you like yoghurt.
[...a few hardy souls left]
Now, for all you Irish-based, french-bean-growing yoghurt lovers, here’s the deal.